I done messed up, A-A-Ron [Vent]

A while ago, I introduced my girlfriend to my mother, and I felt really good about it. But then I felt so good about it, I forgot to talk to her. I felt so warm about the occasion that I felt like I was constantly with her. So I stopped talking with her. And eventually that goodness went away, and I didn’t make the obvious connection that I needed to talk to her again. I began wallowing in misery like I have been for ages. I began playing video games with these two dudes, one of whom borderline hates me, to drown my sorrow, and never even messaged her. I never even thought about her because I had gotten used to that stupid ‘we’re always together’ delusion in my head. I totally acted as if I had ghosted her and I didn’t even realize it.

Just now, today, I thought about her, and felt a deep sense of loss as I laid in my bed, thinking about how I hadn’t messaged her, and I messaged her and apologized. I let slip that I had been playing games with my friends. Understandably, she took this as me caring more about time with my friends than about her. I begged and pleaded with her, as she told me about how she had broken down, and then learned to live without me, in a space of time that felt like maybe a week to me. She finally ended up saying that she couldn’t leave me, but that she should. I was relieved, but at the same time I somehow didn’t feel that much better, if that makes sense. I knew I should have known her better than that. I know I should have done something else. I know I should have known that my superficial sensation of oneness with her was stupid and meant nothing.

I texted my mom about it(I’m 19, okay?) and she responded with just “I need to pray about this” but acted like my girlfriend was in the wrong, thing is, I disagree. It’s my fault for not being able to stop wallowing in my misery for the ten seconds it takes to message her. It’s my fault for getting stuck in a rut of playing games with my shitposter friend and his friend who routinely calls me a dogfucker. It’s my fault for not prioritizing things that actually matter.

Johnny, if you’re reading this, don’t go off on her. The last thing I need–the last thing she needs-- is for you to go full retard on her because you think she’s “abusive”. I don’t mean to disrespect you but I need to be sure you won’t.

Basically, I just needed to get this off of my chest. I feel awful, and this place seems more like a community than somewhere like Reddit or whatever. Does anyone know how I can forgive myself for this? I feel like a huge screwup and can’t even get myself to cry over this properly. I don’t know why crying is so hard.

I almost feel like posting this here is what I need to do for forgiveness, from myself if not from some vague idea of ‘fate’ or some other thing that I don’t really believe in but superstitiously feel as part of my autistic/OCD attribution of significance to random things. It’s as if I need to drop this here to let it go for now because if I don’t, I’m just gonna sink to the bottom of the ocean, y’know?

Mostly I just want to share this. I want to put myself on trial because I already feel judged guilty and sentenced to death(no, that is not an an hero threat I’m genuinely being figurative). I feel worried that my mom is gonna turn against my girlfriend. I’m worried that I’ll never clean this taint(NO, NOT LIKE THAT) off our relationship. I feel like I’ve made myself worthless to her and I have to slave at the bottom of a hundred and thirty feet-deep pit of condemnation merely to get back up to being worthy of her, if I ever was in the first place.

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Hey friend,

No, I’m not going to go retard on your gf. That was actually a bluff

It is irrational to feel this way about yourself. When you say that you are “worthless” etc you are focusing on highly negative images, memories, and feelings. However if you were to describe yourself objectively, with all the nuance that entails, you would find a more complicated picture of who you are. Insults are vague; they make you to fill in the blanks with something horrible that nobody cares about or that doesn’t exist in the first place.

This painting is called the Fall of Icarus. Notice Icarus drowning in the lower right quadrant. The message of it is that nobody in the painting notices or cares – this humiliating tragedy that befalls him.

It is perfectly ok that you took a break from your girlfriend.

Oh. Thanks, my mom actually sort of angrily ranted at me for feeling guilty but it just kind of made me feel worse and like I screwed over my chances of getting with my GF because now my mom doesn’t like her, but I think you helped.

The fact is, though, that what I was doing instead of talking to my GF, which we both would’ve enjoyed, was playing a video game that was making my computer have an aneurysm, causing me to curse under my breath like a very silent cross between AVGN and SammyClassicSonicFan, with an IRL doomer and a guy who hate-lites me. I’m getting these woulda-coulda-shoulda thoughts and I know they’re dumb but the fact remains that my girlfriend wouldn’t be angry at me, my mom wouldn’t be angry at my girlfriend, and I wouldn’t be feeling like shit from having gotten a verbal lashing from both of them, and furthermore I (probably) wouldn’t have taken an hour-and-a-half long walk in 30 degrees fahrenheit in shorts and a T-shirt, and sandals and headphones, and so my fingers would be moving right right now.

Also, I had to get my blood drawn out of my wrist today and the needle was in me for like eight seconds.

What I guess I mean is that today sucked.

How long did you go without talking to her?

Idk maybe a week, although I did have random small interactions with her

I was in a state where I didn’t register time well so idk

A week doesn’t really seem that long. I mean I can see how someone could think it’s a bit weird for someone they’re dating to suddenly go silent after a good meeting with their parent(s), but it seems kind of disproportionate to get upset about it to that degree. I don’t think you’ve done anything that wrong here - at least nothing that a sincere apology shouldn’t fix.

You just have to figure out a way for your mother and your girlfriend to get back on good terms.

Actually I looked on our chat history and it was three days. Go figure. MAybe what I was doing three days ago wasn’t enough contact? Maybe she expected something deeper that we hadn’t had for weeks? Maybe something about the way I hadn’t talked for three days seemed especially abrupt? I don’t know.

I don’t want to think of her as “abusive” or petty, but at the same time I know she’s not what a Tumblr user would call ‘neurotypical’, and to make things worse, neither am I, so I don’t get social cues.

It honestly sounds like you haven’t really done anything wrong here.

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Maybe I did but I don’t realize it and so I’m not saying it. I can’t deny our conversations had been getting shorter and less involved but I was certainly talking to her. She never communicated to me, as far as I remember, that we needed to talk more or more deeply. Idk, man.

She talked about having gone off her pills for a month, so maybe it’s some sort of long term thing that I wasn’t aware that I had been doing?

When I told her about my mom being pissed, she more or less blamed me for how my mom reacted, like as if I had embellished it or tried to make myself a victim. Maybe I didn’t say everything, but honestly I’m increasingly beginning to feel like I don’t know everything, like I’m finally coming face-to-face with the whole “girls and their bullshit” thing that I had previously naively dismissed as nothing more than a frat boy’s complaint.

I don’t want to make excuses, but I just can’t comprehend what exactly I did wrong besides go silent for a couple days. It’s maddening. I either lose the love of my life or purposefully break down all my personal barriers.

The worst thing is that I still completely love her and she’s still being so nice whenever the subject’s not brought up. so maybe it is something I did and she’s trying to move past it? But idk. I just don’t know. She’s gotten me all attached to her and now part of me wants to say she’s using it to throttle me, but another part says that’s just me trying not to take responsibility. Part of it is when I grew up, I didn’t really have many friends, just family, and it was ingrained into me that whenever I got/was ‘in trouble’, I had to take it at face value that I was in the wrong as soon as I was told so, because thinking otherwise risked more of it, even if I had felt I was in the right. Now I’m externally and internally conflicted about everything, and I can’t even tell if I’m defending myself, callously insulting the person I’ve already wronged, grovelling in the face of an abuser or just taking responsibility for what I’ve done. It’s maddening.

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It doesn’t help that she’s always acted like I’m better than I think I am, more attractive, a better person, etc, and now she’s just attacking me, it makes me feel like she’s finally realized the fat retarded slob she’s dating and the only reason she hasn’t split off from me is because she’s in denial about it.

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I don’t think you’re in the wrong here. It sounds like she just doesn’t really know how to relationship properly. You shouldn’t drive yourself crazy over that.

I can see you want to get things back on track though, so the most I could advise is for you to say that you don’t think going for 3 days without speaking to someone is some egregious unconscionable act, that many people would agree with you on this, but that you’re sorry if you underestimated the amount of contact she was expecting from you.

After that, you need to focus on getting her and your mother back on good terms. If, as you say, your girlfriend’s being perfectly nice the rest of the time, then she should be amenable to trying to make a good impression on your mother.

If you seem to have reasonably fixed things between you and your girlfriend, then you should tell your mother that things are fixed, wait a while, then set up another get-together for the 3 of you, and make sure that your girlfriend goes out of her way to make a good impression on your mother at this get-together. If you can, give your girlfriend a quality gift that she can give to your mother, tell her to act as nicely as possible, and get her to talk about stuff that your mother would be interested in.

If all goes well, you should be back in business.

However, ultimately, you should remain wary. If this, that you’ve been describing, is how your girlfriend behaves just because you haven’t talked to her for a while, you could be letting yourself in for a lot of hysteria and irrational behaviour in the future. Give her another chance, and if she behaves this way again, consider how much you actually want to be with her. Do you want to have to constantly deal with this, long-term? I know it’s horrible to think about these things when you’re feeling very in love, but it’s necessary for everyone involved.

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